Black Black Black (Acrylic on Canvas)

How can you have a sunrise during the night-time, with stars clearly visible? What the heck is wrong with you people?

Here we have a dark blue / black ocean with a sun twinkling its rays in a blackly blackened black starry night sky. It. Makes. No. Sense. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen an incongruity of this very nature (see 2/29/24.)

Would-be artists: right now, this very minute, go to your garret or mausoleum or wherever the hell it is that you spend your days sighing and listening to Morrissey, and violently throw away your black, dark blue, and purple paints. Just do it. Trust me. The world will be a better place. 
 

I Do Not Know (Acrylic on Canvas)

No clue whatsoever is going on here, what’s being said, what’s being implied, nuthin. I thought we had some Mickey Mouse ears but maybe not. Is the protuberance on the left a nose? And on the right a tongue? Did the artist have other ideas midway through this and change directions? No idea. But as usual, I hate all the darkness. It implies a lack of imagination. Have you noticed how many chain businesses are going with gray and black and other somber color schemes? Most McDonald’s now look rather like Hitler’s bunker. Our local Costco looks like an internment camp. Cars have the same issue. Up in these here parts, they’re mostly gray, black or white. It’s depressing. Bring back Day-Glo!

Fez (Acrylic on Canvas)

I like it! Its a fez floating/hovering in a neatly-done orangey/yellowy background, and that background is very reminiscent of a number of mass-produced mid-century modern paintings. It’s just so odd. Quirky, but not desperately so. Great job, artist. 

German Shepherd (Acrylic on Canvas)

A photo-realistic painting done by an Alaskan artist: I’m assuming it was commissioned by the dog’s owner? How it wound up at Value Village is anyone’s guess. As decent as it is, it’s really uninteresting. To me, that is. Perhaps the dog-owner thought it was very interesting indeed. I’m just saying that there are non-boring things that can be done with very static portraiture. This painting has none.

Smoking Genie (Acrylic on Canvas)

This is so outre that I gotta say I don't absolutely hate this. It could have been so much better though. I don’t think much time or effort was put into this. Still, it’s fairly cool. Aside from too much black. The head and lit cigarette with flame/glow are pretty boss though.
 

Cat in Hipster Pad (Acrylic on Canvas)

I feel sure this is amateur art. But it’s kiiiinda on that cusp between “obvious amateur” and “maybe mass produced.” I mean, if I saw this on sale at Target I wouldn’t automatically be like “ugh, this is awful” but I’d be kind of puzzled. There are clear earmarks of talent here (the layout, for one) but also of amateur artistry here. But then again it could (?) be faux amateur for the BoHo poseur Shabby Chic market. I dunno. My bet is amateur. As usual, until it’s proved otherwise, it stays.

Bowl and Pot with Flowers (Oil on Canvas)

(Value Village Art Gallery Favorite)

I liked this one enough that I bought it. 

I was kind of at a loss for how to describe this so I wound up asking my wife what these things were called. They look to me like a) a metal mixing bowl and b) a metal pot with a long handle. At first I thought there were three pots nested together, which I liked the idea of very much. But then I realized I’m only seeing the one handle so that’s not quite as cool. Anyway. I don’t care that I can’t figure out what’s going on here: I like this a LOT. This, to me, is what Art is supposed to be: stuck somewhere in the 19th Century when peasants used scythes to harvest wheat and people still died from Tuberculosis. I’m not kidding. Pretty much anything that came after WWI can kiss my tuchas. Modernism and Post-Modernism in particular. If artists aren’t reading the Bible by candlelight and cutting pieces off of themselves to send to their girlfriends then they can fuck right off. 

Happy Balloons (Acrylic on Canvas)

I actually don’t know that these are balloons. They could be condoms or Shmoos or who knows what else. I just had to come up with something to call this. It’s colorful and inoffensive. The smiley faces are decently done. Sometimes it’s not easy to do smiley faces. Mine occasionally look goofy, or sometimes menacing. Ask my wife. 

 

Killer Whale (Acrylic on Canvas)

Dreary. Truly dreary. A purple/blue/green/black ocean blurs into a purple/blue/grey sky. A Killer Whale looks towards the blackest and most lifeless land mass ever seen. No sun, no movement, no clouds to indicate wind. Can Orcas live in the Horse Latitudes? The Doldrums? Do Killer Whales have wrists they can slash? What a bummer of a painting.

Spread a 37ml tube of Cadmium Orange oil paint onto the entirety of this canvas immediately!

Barbed-Wire Fence (Acrylic on Canvas)

I jinxed myself. Just yesterday I was thinking about how few truly blah or (worse) truly bad paintings we’ve had lately, and then this and another one shows up. Actually it could have been two more (a total of four), but my heart just wasn’t in it and I chose not to take photographs of the other two. Yes, I cheated! I left two bad paintings out of the exhibit today. They were bad in a truly banal, soul-sucking, “pooped and demoralized” kind of way. Maybe I’ll add them some other day, if they’re still there the next time I go back.

HA! “if they’re still there.” Believe me: they’ll be there alright.

Anyway. The main problem here is that this painting is a clear violation of my Purple/Blue rule (see other purple/blue paintings for further clarification on this matter.) Aside from the fact that this painting is also boring, sad, disheartening and pointless.

Purple Flowers (Watercolor on Paper)

Nothing outstanding or mind-blowing here. It’s okay. If you told me it was an assignment in someone’s art class I’d be like “Ah, gotcha. Cool.”

Something worth noting: if you look at this image from afar, and squint your eyes a bit, it looks rather like a purple poodle. Have a look!

Pink Sunset Silhouette (Acrylic on Canvas)

It’s generic and uninteresting but the flowers and tree leaves/petals aren’t that bad. The woman’s legs are too short and they look like they’re on backwards. I actually like short girls but not ones with backwards-facing legs. 

Remind me to tell you about the time I saw a guy with his legs on backwards in the dead of night in the middle of nowhere walking like a giant grasshopper through a rest stop parking area in British Columbia. It was terrifying! 

Anway, this lady also looks like she’s floating above the grass a little bit. 

Not great but not awful awful.

SnowBastard (Acrylic on Canvas)

I can’t think of this shithead’s name and I’m not gonna Google it. (Ferdinand?) This is what’s wrong with the World and the 21st Century! Our priorities are completely out of whack! (Ivan?) Someone wasted time and resources making this meaningless tribute/ad to a Trillion-dollar corporation. It’s ugly and it hurts my eyes and my heart.

(Olaf.) FUCK!!!

 

Seashore and Seagull (Oil on Canvas)

(See comments on previous painting) Pretty much the same situation here and this painting might have been done by the same artist. Maybe? Maybe not. This has enough faults to make me feel that it was NOT mass-produced or department-store-bought, and that it is legit “amateur human being artist created art.” But when I say “faults” don’t get me wrong: I still like this painting very much: it is leagues beyond many of the exhibits here. Judging by the state of the canvas, this is old (same as the previous painting): I’m guessing 1970s or possibly (?) even 1960s. I wish there was a signature. Maybe there was one under the price tag.
 

Seashore and Lighthouse (Oil on Canvas)

(Value Village Art Gallery Favorite)

This and the painting immediately to follow were the high points of my day. These appear to be old and legitimately “talented amateur-created art.” It can get confusing sometimes. I say this because, from a statistical standpoint, I see so many painfully, demonstrably bad paintings, that when I see one that’s just… “not bad” rather than “actually good”, the lines of critical discernment can become blurred. This painting is an example of that. In the Real World, it might be described as an “average” or “uninteresting” or “so-so” painting. But here in Weirdsville, I feel as if I’m in the presence of freaking genius! Because Relativity, dig?

ON THE OTHER HAND, crummy paintings or no, this one is actually good enough that it caught my eye and made me want to take time to look at it for a while. Which is always a good thing. As a matter of fact, it is so "interesting-in-a-novice-kind-of-way" that it is being inducted into the “(Value) Village Art Gallery ‘Favorites’ Category” that I’m creating at this very moment! I will be going back through our exhibits and making note of which paintings fall under that auspicious and illustrious nomenclature. Feel free to go looking for them and see if you agree with me!

Huzzah!

Dog Face (Acrylic on Canvas)

Or maybe it’s a panda? Pretty sure this is a dog though. Sorry for the reflection: it was framed and matted and behind glass. This is okay I guess. It lacks some of the charm of “Happy Dog” (see slightly-similar exhibit from a few weeks ago) but this one is technically more proficient. Different artists, of course. Anyway, not much more to be said here. There are so many cartoony, whimsical paintings nowadays. At times I wish people took art more seriously. Blue Panda Dogs are funny I guess but they don’t exactly elevate the soul or refine ones emotions.

Couple in the Rain (Acrylic on Canvas)

Hackneyed, trite, cloying, kitschy, inorganic, phoney, and phooey are all words that come to mind here. Yet another one I’d bet my bottom dollar is the result of a Paint Night suggested topic, but I could be wrong. This is what is wrong with the 21st Century. 

When I look at this, I think of a couple of lines from one of my favorite Charles Bukowski books, which was something like: “We have reached the last outpost of Death. My soul is puking.”

Paint Spatters / Drips (Acrylic on Canvas)

Regulars here know that I’m not a fan of even well-done types of this kind of thing. And this isn’t well done in my opinion. If Jackson Pollock were still alive he would intentionally seek this artist out and run him or her over! The only positive thing I can say about this painting is that it could have been worse. 

Sorry, artist: try harder next time or be more creative next time. This dime-a-dozen jive is a waste of good paint and canvas. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve been there. And will probably be there again. It happens.