Retrospective (Acrylic on Canvas)

It’s an Embarrassment of Riches. I really don’t know what to say here. Really. Like for real. Other than, yet again, there’s something about some of these paintings that leaves me feeling genuinely queasy. But there’s one that actually does kinda grab me. I’ll leave it to you to decide which.

Cabin and Woods (Acrylic on Canvas)

Not bad. Certainly the best of today’s offerings, but that’s damning with faint praise. Sorry about the glare (if that’s what that is?) on the left. I definitely like the flora more than the structure.

Moose (Oil on Canvas)

The frame is more of a work of art than what we find framed here. Not counting Bullwinkle, this is by far the weirdest-looking moose I’ve ever seen.  The rest is not without merit, though. Of the boulders (that look a bit like giant wasp’s nests?) the less said the better. But I have seen, in real life on occasion, trees that somewhat resemble the rotten broken burnt-out tree near the center of this painting. And while I can’t say that I’ve ever seen a lake (?) that wasn’t…umm…level, there is something about this that seems real. I kind of wonder if this isn’t a a painting of a photo? But who knows? Oh yeah: the colors are strangely washed out as well. Nature isn’t this dull and lifeless. Still, it’s kinda cool. 

Snowman (Acrylic on Canvas)

 I’d rather boo…

Coffee (Acrylic on Canvas)

It’s just…wrong. So wrong. Is that a wall? Or Northern Lights? The steam looks weird. The mug looks weird. There’s a knot (?) or stain or shadow (a brown shadow?) on the table. 

I’m starting to rethink this whole Art Gallery schtick.

On the plus side, it’s so wrong it IS kinda charming. In a clueless box wine bored housewife way. And the word “Coffee” is pleasantly written. There’s that.

Mountain Lake (Acrylic on Canvas)

It’s not great, but it’s not NOT great either. The strangely unnatural mountains are somehow rather appealing: I half expect to see some muscular Proletarians in overalls wielding sledgehammers nearby. But seriously: something about this is very likable. I think the composition makes it: the dark red fireweed on green and the overly-blue blue (which I’m normally opposed to) really works here. Bojemoi!

Bra and Christmas Tree (Acrylic on Canvas)

Maybe this is the only frame they could find but I feel like they should have gone with something a little smaller. But to each his own. And sure, it could be that this isn’t actually some lady’s brassiere. Maybe it’s a small number of scallions. Regardless, if I don’t know what it is, it can’t be that good. I’m open for suggestions though.

Hut on Lake or River (paint, sticks, mud on flat surface)

Not sure what’s going on with this. The sky and sun are nice. The hut with no walls (that we for some reason can’t see through?) are a little weird. Is this grey stuff smoke? Is SYMBOLISM happening? Are we seeing a way of life disappear? Not sure. I’m also not sure why this was framed twice. There’s a lot to unpack here and I just don’t have the energy to do it.
 

Trippy Otter (acrylic on canvas)

No signature. This is almost as weird as H1N1, which you’ll see, to your eternal horror, a bit further on in your tour. That is, if this entry doesn’t send you running and screaming towards the “CLOSE AND EXIT” button.

What’s something nice I can say? Hmm. Okay. The foaming water isn’t bad I guess. 

But I just now noticed: the foaming water is way too small compared to the otter! Unless the otter is supposed to be Godzilla-sized?

And the starfish needs work. Do better!

Sailboat (beads, decals, metal, paper, cloth)

The waves are made out of…blue brick patterns? There are beads or rhinestones here too. The birds? Some kind of rubber? The boat hull may be actual wood. Someone spent a considerable amount of time and energy making this inscrutable mess. I hope they had fun doing it.

Mountain Lake (watercolor on paper?)

Lots of mountain lakes up in here today. This looks like a King Crimson album cover to me. It’s old. 1977. Someone was probably high as fuck when they painted this. They’d been reading The Hobbit and staring at their black light posters, probably burning some cones of incense in one of those tiny brass pagoda-looking contraptions that always used to tip over and get cone incense ash all over one’s wooden cable spool table. Remember those? Cone incense ash was always a bummer to try and wipe up, man. Anyway. I’m guessing the result was this artwork. Grok!

PS: I’m just being a wise-ass: this is actually a very very nice painting. Although it really does remind me a bit of some of Tolkien’s illustrations for The Hobbit. And the album cover for In the Court of the Crimson King.

Mountain Lake (acrylic on canvas)

I like it. And I like it the more I look at it. It looks like something that actually exists. It’s brief, but it gets its point across. I like the foreground more than the distant bits. I wonder what her story was.

H1N1 (acrylic on canvas board)

 I feel a bit ill looking at this thing.

Dandelion Puffs (Acrylic on Canvas)

I couldn’t think of what these things were called other than Dandelions. So I asked my wife: “what do you call dandelions when they get big and fluffy?” “Dandelions gone to seed. Dandelion Puffs. They’re weeds!!! Disgusting!!!” Then she started laughing. She’s a little high.

Kill Me Now (Banality on Ennui)

Candidates have been few and far between of late. Which is why I’ve had to resort to including this…thing. At $4.99 it’s overpriced. By half a sawbuck.

Finger Painting Flowers (Acrylic on Canvas)

If the artist had filled in the empty spaces / not run out of paint and had not muddied his/her colors in the upper right corner this wouldn’t be that bad. Too late now though.

??? (??? on ???)

And then there’s this. Same artist as the one below? I feel like there’s something weird going on here, like in that famous illustration of a woman in front of a mirror which (from a different angle) looks like a skull. So far I’ve found The Phantom of the Opera and a duck. Figure THAT shit out. 

Knockoff Picasso (Acrylic on Canvas Board)

 It’s not bad. It’s just too easy.

Audrey II (maaaybe Oil on Canvas?)

If the ones at the bottom burst into song I’m getting the hell out of here…

Orange Hydrangeas (Oil on Canvas)

This is why I do what I do. Sure it’s fun to needle clueless aspiring artists, but it’s even more fun to find something like this. It’s so good I thought it was fake at first. But no: it’s the real deal. And the fact that it’s signed by “Jonny” (Sonny? Sbany?) would seem to indicate that it is legit “amateur human person” created art. It speaks to me. I love it. Another one I’ll regret not buying.